how do you do life? how do you find yourself? how do you know the right people for you? is there a point when everything will make sense? when will I be aware of who I am?
these are only a few of the questions that I have on my mind in my daily life. While I'm busy studying and doing my groceries and stopping by at the post office, I lose focus of bigger journey. And when I realize it I am scared of being late, of not being able to keep up and I sometimes feel like I am not working on myself because I am too busy working on "life" and busy with building my "future".
are we supposed to figure out ourselves while we keep doing 100+ things? i am genuinely asking for an answer. sometimes i feel like its too much and i am afraid i am losing track of who i am. sometimes i consciously avoid asking myself "what do i like?" because i am terrified of not knowing the answer. if i, myself, dont know what or who i am, how are other people supposed to like me, or even, love me? how does it work? will those people stand by my side and help me bloom and figure out (part of) my identity or is it something that i have to do on my own? Its all incredibly confusing. and the fact is that the answers that i try to formulate are often contrasting with each other. oftentimes i end up leaving those thoughts behind because its too difficult to put an order to the puzzle that is currently my mind.
i dont know how to do "love relationships", how to find a balance between my activities and the person i love. but then, how do you know its love? yes, all those beautiful quotes on pinterest are supposed to give you an idea and make you dream, but in real life love is risky and complicated and youre afraid to make mistakes. what if i am "wasting" time with someone while out there somewhere theres someone who is dying to know someone like me? but then again, is there such a concept as "wasting time with someone"? i dont think so. everything that happens to us is a small brick to build ourselves. i saw a quote on pinterest (told you i have opposing thoughts) which said "i dont remember what i ate all my life. yet, those things made me". and its so true. many things are apparently insignificant and not remarkable moments of our life, but they will certainly have an impact and not remain useless.
am i doing the right uni? what do i want to be? how do i know if this is what i want? i havent tried everything else to be able to say "yes, after all these things, i know i want to choose this". i feel like theres always a big rush. that pressure you feel when youre at uni when you have the impression of lagging behind because youre not applying for side jobs, or youre not part of a volunteering association. you seem to take the risk of being... average. not remarkable. and what if i like being average? the fact is that i know its hard out there when you have to find a job and people actually look for someone not average with tons of experience. and this makes me sad, because i know i will have to adapt to this system sooner or later and i will have to work so so so hard to be where i want to be (who knows where it is). not that i dont wanna earn my future. im not lazy. well, a bit.
however, sometimes i have moments of bursting positivity when i think about all the things i could be. maybe i will have a revolutionary idea (revolutionary for me, of course) or i will create my own space with good ideas and people around. who knows where i will end up. i am only afraid that while im busy doing my duties (uni, life, friends etc) i will unconsciously stop looking for myself and trying to make my ideas bloom.
i had no structure for this post. and i still think its random and confusing. can anyone relate?
but for now thats it.
Margherita
